I remember when I was 17 or 18 I got one of the hardest heartbreak. I remember standing in one of the side streets in Port of Spain waiting to see him. Hoping he will at least talk to me.. I remember talking to him but strangely enough I could not remember anything else after that until I got home. Tears streaming down my cheeks I walked down the street and got myself a car to take me home. The driver asked “Are you ok ?” I said “not really, I just want to get home.”
Everything was a blank to me… just hearing the words you don’t want to hear .. and then the pain like stabbing in your chest like you just can’t think of how you are going to face tomorrow. I thought I knew it all. I remember running up the stairs and straight into my room. Tears could not stop … then the familiar voice walking down the corridor “Sheeda, you home ?” She walked in my room .. saw me in tears … She quietly sat on the bed and pulled my head on her lap. She passed her hand on my hair and said.. “You have so much more of this to get my dear child… don’t cry. She dried my tears .. hugged me and stayed with me a while. Then with a straight face she said “I will go for his ass”. That made me smile. And I so believed her.
I remember her telling my father later that evening and he came to me .. sat next to me and said “Bayti don’t you cry, your father is still alive.” I remember thinking what do you guys know ? You don’t know how this hurts like hell. I felt like I was the only one hurting .. Like no one understood me. I remember waking up to my mother bringing me a cup of tea the next morning.. Asking “are you ok?” And for many mornings she will do that. She quietly understood.
I remember not getting into any trouble with my dad for a while for he would just make jokes and want me to be ok. But one evening my father said “Pray, ask God to take away the pain and he will.” I was ok in a couple days. I started to see that no matter what you do or how you try to make things right or say what you want people will always do what you they want to do regardless of how it affects you or anyone else around you.
My mom was right … I had so much more to go through and I did, and I continue to do so as each day passes. The ones that hurt the most, the clearer the lessons. I neglected their words sometimes, I did what I wanted to do. I didn’t realize then how much it also impacted them. I didn’t realize how much tears they shed for me just to be ok. I didn’t realize that until today… I am still learning lessons even in their absence.
Today I thought of my Mom a lot .. tears would not stop falling because I want to rest my head on her lap just one more time.. for her to say those words “Everything will be ok” you can hear those same words from everyone around you – you tend not to believe it .. but when it is said from those two blessed people – you believe it.
I didn’t realize a lot of things till now…I didn’t realize how memories can have an impact on you later on in life. How the little things seem to mean the world. How the only two people that could make that difference in your life, when they are not there you feel like an orphan. No husband, child or family can make up for that emptiness within. I kept listening to a song I came across today “Om Guru Om” and it resonated with me so much that all I can think about is the love these two people gave me unconditionally.
I feel so guilty for not being around more… for not spending more time with them. We get so caught up in our own affairs that we remember only when it is too late. I miss them with everything I have inside because when I break and the loneliness steps in there is no one there… That force, that driving force that protects. When you feel safe in the silent words. When you feel within that everything will always be ok because no matter what they are there. Mom and Dad you was right .. right about everything.
May the skies protect you now with the light of his consciousness. May the gurus of that realm hold you in that unconditional love that I long to feel again. May God keep your souls for me until we meet again. Thank you for being my parents.