Today scrolling through instagram there were so many post of the murder of a 23 year old girl. Just like any other day she jumped into a licensed taxi only to face her death not long after. How it haunts me thinking of the minutes before her death, what the soul was enduring and what her family and friends were facing in her disappearance. Almost 8 years ago facing the murder of my mother in law those same haunting thoughts of the people we love going through so much pain and anguish.
In the moments after death takes place we console ourselves with the words “they are in a better place” and maybe that is true but for us being left behind the torture of the acts still fill our damaged hearts. It takes an instant in a newspaper article or a post anywhere to trigger the trauma of that feeling. It takes a similar story to bring back all those moments, the fear, the waiting to find out if they are alive or not.. the horrific thoughts that continue to rush in even when you try so very hard to get past it.
Someone said to me “I don’t think anyone can make someone else happy”, I disagree, if that was true the depth of the pain when you lose someone would not exist. To be happy within yourself takes so much time and effort but in reality the people that love us play a role as well. Some push the person they love away because it is easiest to do. But if that same person were to die tomorrow would they regret it? Maybe, maybe not but I think we all know the answer to that.
How hard it is sometimes when we ourselves are murdering our own being. When we sit day by day basking in the misery of our own mistakes, punishing ourselves for the past that willl never return. Does the lover that gives everything feel any different to the person that just lost a loved one? Different levels of pain maybe? But when you sit and watch the triggers damage your already bleeding heart what else is there ?
We sit in our own pain and think sometimes that it is the end and within ourselves we believe that but the parents that just lost a child to murder wishes to trade places with you. The man that just lost his arm or sight wishes too trade places. The list can go on, so many wishes to trade places when the damaged heart bleeds. May our pain be the strength we need it to be to help us on this winding road. May our hearts mend by holding the hands of the people that love us and who we allow to love us in return. We may not have many but if we have even one that does not let you face life alone it is worth it. Time is not something we have but in the moments that we have let the ones that believe in you help to stop your bleeding heart.