A Trip Down Memory Lane

 

I remember when I was 17 or 18 I got one of the hardest heartbreak.   I remember standing in one of the side streets in Port of Spain waiting to see him.  Hoping he will at least talk to me.. I remember talking to him but strangely enough I could not remember anything else after that until I got home.   Tears streaming down my cheeks I walked down the street and got myself a car to take me home.   The driver asked “Are you ok ?” I said “not really,  I just want to get home.” 

Everything was a blank to me… just hearing the words you don’t want to hear .. and then the pain like stabbing in your chest like you just can’t think of how you are going to face tomorrow.  I thought I knew it all.   I remember running up the stairs and straight into my room.  Tears could not stop … then the familiar voice walking down the corridor “Sheeda, you home ?”  She walked in my room .. saw me in tears … She quietly sat on the bed and pulled my head on her lap.  She passed her hand on my hair and said.. “You have so much more of this to get my dear child… don’t cry.  She dried my tears .. hugged me and stayed with me a while.  Then with a straight face she said “I will go for his ass”.  That made me smile.  And I so believed her.

I remember her telling my father later that evening and he came to me .. sat next to me and said “Bayti don’t you cry, your father is still alive.”   I remember thinking what do you guys know ?  You don’t know how this hurts like hell.  I felt like I was the only one hurting .. Like no one understood me.   I remember waking up to my mother bringing me a cup of tea the next morning.. Asking “are you ok?”  And for many mornings she will do that.  She quietly understood. 

I remember not getting into any trouble with my dad for a while for he would just make jokes and want me to be ok.  But one evening my father said “Pray, ask God to take away the pain and he will.”  I was ok in a couple days.  I started to see that no matter what you do or how you try to make things right or say what you want people will always do what you they want to do regardless of how it affects you or anyone else around you.

My mom was right … I had so much more to go through and I did, and I continue to do so as each day passes.  The ones that hurt the most, the clearer the lessons.  I neglected their words sometimes,  I did what I wanted to do.   I didn’t realize then how much it also impacted them.  I didn’t realize how much tears they shed for me just to be ok.  I didn’t realize that until today… I am still learning lessons even in their absence.

Today I thought of my Mom a lot .. tears would not stop falling because I want to rest my head on her lap just one more time.. for her to say those words “Everything will be ok”  you can hear those same words from everyone around you – you tend not to believe it .. but when it is said from those two blessed people – you believe it. 

I didn’t realize a lot of things till now…I didn’t realize how memories can have an impact on you later on in life.  How the little things seem to mean the world.  How the only two people that could make that difference in your life, when they are not there you feel like an orphan.  No husband, child or family can make up for that emptiness within.  I kept listening to a song I came across today “Om Guru Om” and it resonated with me so much that all I can think about is the love these two people gave me unconditionally.

I feel so guilty for not being around more… for not spending more time with them.  We get so caught up in our own affairs that we remember only when it is too late.  I miss them with everything I have inside because when I break and the loneliness steps in there is no one there… That force,  that driving force that protects.   When you feel safe in the silent words.  When you feel within that everything will always be ok because no matter what they are there.   Mom and Dad you was right .. right about everything. 

May the skies protect you now with the light of his consciousness.  May the gurus of that realm hold you in that unconditional love that I long to feel again.   May God keep your souls for me until we meet again.   Thank you for being my parents. 

This entry was posted on February 2, 2017. 5 Comments

Home

 

Lately I found myself depressed for many reasons  ..  mostly for things that are beyond my control.  I saw death in front of me yet again, all the old memories came rushing back.  We learn the lessons for a short time and then we fall back into forgetting the things that are important, only for that lesson to hit you not too long after.   Watching someone die is one of the hardest things to face.. some expected, some unexpected and we are forced to go through your life with them in review.  Some things you regret not doing and some you thank God you did do with them.

 

I remember growing up in a place I called home.. memories of my dad putting up a Christmas tree in the shape of a triangle on top of our house.  Memories of him buying lights every year against my mom’s wishes,  he would throw it in the nearby bushes and ask me to go take it out the box and put it together with the other lights so she will not know.   It was home to me until they wanted to build a plaza on that same land and we were asked to move.   We moved to another place for a couple years until it was time to move to a place my father owned.  We were waiting for the renters to move out.   Going down there I was afraid, new people, new faces,  there were people loitering outside our house all hours of the night. 

 

I remember we had to hang our clothes all over as the place was under renovations.  We had to live in dust,  cleaning up every single day and most of all not sleeping comfortable in your own room.. We had to endure quite a few things before we can even call that place a home.   But looking back now I remembered my Mom making lunch in a very small kitchen, I remember seeing my dad walk home every evening from our small grocery we use to have.  I remember that among all the arguments we celebrated so many things.  I remember sitting with my family and talking about the times we lived in the both places we came from previously.  Each place had its memories.

 

A house is all it is … it is the people confined to that house that makes it a home.   No matter where you are … You can be living in a shack or a mansion.. it is the memories you create that makes the difference.. it is what makes that house a home.  I sat with myself recently when my mom passed away and I thank God for one thing.. that I never suffered for anything.. they made decisions that allowed us to have the life we have now.. they made sacrifices for all of us.  I never thought about it till now. 

 

Recently I looked on the book shelf of my old home and I saw a set of Encyclopedias that my dad bought us one Christmas..  I remember thinking “Umm where is the bicycle I wanted?”  when everyone else was getting a bike we got books.   But in the coming years it was those books that helped me with my homework every single night.  

 

We sometimes don’t understand decisions or choices our parents make but they only did the best they could do.     Sometimes you just don’t see it as we are all caught up in the desires of the heart.  We always get caught up in what we want and what we need.  We all have been there – I too found myself there. 

 

We always want to be somewhere else than where we are .. we don’t make the best of what is right in front of us.   No matter what house we live in – it is not home.  Home is when we close our eyes and we don’t have that life in this shell of a body.   We wake up to that beautiful place that we all came from .. So for me it does not matter anymore where I live… what matters is that my real home is waiting for me one day,  but for now I am grateful that I have a warm bed and a place I can call my own. 

 

 

 

 

 

This entry was posted on January 12, 2017. 6 Comments

Death ask no questions

At 12.03 am a voice mail was left on my phone from my mom… It said “Sheeda Sheeda come come” .  It was  the voice of fear on the other end of the phone that something was about to take place that no one was prepared for.   At 12.04 I returned the call without checking the voice mail and again on the other end was someone that you spent all your life with at the end of hers. 

You can feel it within you and all you want to do is be right there with them… time did not permit me .. Death waits on no one … it ask no questions.  It does not ask “Are you feeling ok ..would you like me to hold until your children get here?.  It does not ask  “would you like a couple more minutes?”  It does not ask “Would you like one more meal?”    It does not ask anything … It just sweeps in when you least expect it. 

I spent the last words saying to her… Mom “I am on my way” .   Death did not wait on me.. it didn’t care if this woman  spent all her life taking care of me and my siblings.   I learnt some valuable lessons in one day…  Just one day — where death swept in and took her away.  Everything became so crystal clear.

Old age is not a disease…  it is something that each one of us may go through if we don’t die young. We will get it in so many different forms but rest assured we will taste of it…  My mom if nothing else taught me patience… I held my tongue so many times … She taught me to think before I talk… better to stay silent if you have nothing good to say. 

I found myself irritable a lot lately having to answer the phone a hundred times just to answer the same questions… what I won’t do to hear those same questions over and over now.. There is a saying “You don’t miss the water till the well runs dry”  and so true it is.

Find the time to spend with family and friends… someone ask you for something and you can give them it then give it.. you never know where they will be tomorrow.   Bring a smile to the lips of those around you for as long as you can.  Treasure that which you have no control over .. “time”  it is not ours.. 

It is amazing that when tragedy strikes all you remember is the good times… the bad fades away.  You see the good in the person .. Everything shines.  If only we can live like we are dying .   Take time to understand that which is beyond your comprehension… and always remember “Death ask no questions”

Rest in peace Happejan Ali… you will always be my mom.   Thank you for all you have done for me.   I was blessed to take you around the Kaaba and still that cannot make up for one drop of milk you fed me.   I will miss you more than you know.. Love you Mom  .

 

 

 

 

Who defines us ?

A beautiful soul said to me last night…”You either get busy living..or you get busy dying”.  Food for thought right ?  Who defines us ?  Our parents, teachers, society, our past, God?  Who?  We go through so many things, some so much more than others that we end up in such a dark place even though the outer shell is so tough.

What about a mother who buries her kids because someone decides to drop a bomb in a place they call home?  What about the man sleeping on the side of the road without a blanket at night ?  What about the child that had so many scars and memories that they feel so unworthy to the world.  What about that little girl that was touched sexually by someone she knows ripping her soul apart .. who couldn’t face the world let alone relationships..  What about that baby that came into the world with a defect as we see it, that have to live with the fact that they feel  less than others because they don’t consider themselves “normal”.   What about the ones who went through kidnapping, rape, illness that are still standing today ?  how do we define them ? 

We define who we are .. no one else … the fears, the insecurities, that unworthy feeling is just fear, fear of your own magnificence.  I keep coming back to Jim Carrey’s words ..”Decisions are made based on two things .. Love or fear.. choose love”.   Do we choose love?  I am so sure we want too but somehow we find comfort in that dark place .. it is all we know.. We don’t know how to be magnificent.. we don’t even know how to believe in our own strength. 

What about that child that was told that he will amount to nothing but he turns out to be someone’s everything ?  How do we define that ?  Who made that decision?  The person who said this to him ?  I don’t think so… They were the driving force if we look at it closely enough.   We harbor so many feelings and resentment for the people that are our greatest teachers….Do we have a karmic past with these people that hurt us ?  what is it that we did that was deserving of such horror?  So many questions, not much answers. 

Our life is not defined by anyone but us … we are the creators of our own path… the people we meet, the horror story’s can only have the effect we want it to have.  We have the power to make someone’s day by just a smile,  we make up the whole… every single one of us … we are soo freaking worthy that without our little atom.. the whole cannot be complete.. That divine consciousness – what more is there?.  All we need to do is believe in the promise that lies within us .

This entry was posted on August 10, 2016. 2 Comments

Reality

What is reality ?? Ever stop to think sometimes we could be dreaming.. all this we call reality is really an illusion.   Read all these theories.. what the mind perceives, the mind can achieve.. so many sayings, so many myths.  What is the truth?

They say our mind does not know the difference between reality and fantasy.  Some think the virtual world is unreal.. it is a place people go to be who they want to be but not necessarily who they can be in reality..  We find so many with fake profiles .. hiding behind the truth of themselves to create a world only known to them .. why ?  what exactly do they run from … both are real because they create it.

When we are asleep and we dream… which one is reality at that time?  Our dreams seems so real .. we can actually feel in our dreams.. .how so ?   I always wondered how we can stay where we are and make someone feel our energy across the vast ocean.   We can close our eyes.. create a fantasy … live in that fantasy.. feel everything about it and then say it is unreal.. only because we cannot physically touch it.

What is amazing is that we are not made of the body but of the spirit.. When we shed the body the soul exists… We don’t need to feel at that point to say it is reality because it is.

So what exactly is reality ?  that which we can feel or that which we create?  We have the limitlessness of our minds yet still we cannot perceive outside the realms of what we call reality.. We cannot think that we can go beyond the flesh and transcend into the worlds beyond this.. We are really stuck in the physicality of this world.

Jim Carrey said in one of his speeches.. “you cannot contain the container” .. We are the container and we only limit ourselves to the vast experience we have in our path.  Let’s create our reality and understand that we live in that which we have put limits on.. When we transcend this we would realise what reality really is 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

This entry was posted on April 17, 2016. 5 Comments

The Guitar

Have you ever felt so hurt by someone that you think there is no where to go but down? Sometimes you try to understand why but the why’s are never answered. You see there are people that hold a guitar, the strings on the guitar are the people and they keep playing and playing those chords. When you hurt the people on those strings they can never harmonize… so the music from the guitar sounds horrible.. no one listens. But the player keeps playing and they wonder why no one likes their music.. its because the chords are so hurt and so weak to even begin to sound beautiful.

For years no one buys their music.. they play and play until some of the strings burst and they need to move on to a new guitar. Are you the one holding the guitar? What kind of music do you play? Is it music that people fall in love with ? or is it the noise that people just don’t want to hear. We all make music … we all have that part of us that brings out in others either their best or their worst.

How many people want to sit and listen to the music being played… does the music sing to their soul? Does it make their heart flutter.. does it make their world brighter? We often get played by others .. so many deceits .. so many lies being told across this vast universe… we have all been there… but what matters is how we play our music.. how we sing our tune…and most importantly how we dance to it.

Treating others kindly is one of the most important things we can do for them and for ourselves … how we view the soul.. .how fragile it is at times and how careful we are not to hurt others not only by words but by our actions as well. Sometimes people hurt us so much that we want revenge.. we just want a taste of that satisfaction… we can’t sleep ..we can’t eat.. we just want everything our own way.

Selfishness is one of the most played out emotions these days.. we only see ourselves.. what we need.. how we feel.. what needs to be done to make us feel better .. totally neglecting that which makes others feel loved or cared for.  Is it worth it? When you do this, all you build is resentment towards yourself.. sooner or later those strings will burst and you will no longer play any music let alone hear the sound. You will be left all alone with just a broken guitar.

Let’s play our guitars so that the music we hear are the music the world wants to listen too. Let the sound it makes fill your hearts… Let the song being sung be heard by all so much so that they put it on repeat.  Play your own music and sing to the world .:)

This entry was posted on August 3, 2015. 2 Comments

Gifts

I came across a gift today that was given to me by someone close a long time ago.. Funny how you cant throw certain things away because they have sentimental value. Some gifts we keep .. some we throw away .. some we don’t like .. some we just love… some we never use.

Aren’t the people that come into our lives something like this ? Each one is a gift? its either we use them or we don’t ? I know for some you love it so much that you fear losing it — so you lock it away and never use it.. take it out from time to time. But wont the gifts we treasure most stay with us?

Even when those gifts get broken we sometimes piece it together and stick it don’t we? but we still keep it.. its just not in its original form. So to sometimes we hurt others and they are shattered in pieces — they pick up the pieces and try again. We too are the gifts for others and if they treasure us we will not be broken that easily but when they don’t we too pick up the pieces.. don’t we?

Everyone that steps into our lives is a gift — how you treasure that gift determines if they are life long gifts or not. Some gifts expire don’t they? Like a box of chocolates.. serves its purpose (maybe get you fat lol) and then its gone… U may remember the gift but its gone — you cant get it back unless you get another box of chocolates.. Some people come into our life and they leave — they serve their purpose and then they are no longer there.

Some are healthy gifts — they are good for you but you just don’t like how it taste 😦 But even these have expiry dates. But they have helped you on your way. So too some people walk in and help us on our way and disappear. All in all if we take everyone as a gift and cherish the purpose they serve we can get rid off a lot of heartache and frustration instead of harboring hate and anger.

Take the gift of each person ..cherish who they are — we often walk out peoples lives because things dont serve us or we have fears battling within — but dont walk out the stage in the middle of a song.. listen to the very last note 🙂